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Fresh from ordering the total shutdown of Internet services during voting in the 2026 general elections, the chairman of the Uganda Communicable Commission (UCC) has described plans to shut down electricity in future.
Unreliable sources quoted the UCC chairman, who cannot be named for unclear reasons but is definitely a man, as saying “I will shut down all the electrical dams personally. I will take this banana republic back to the dark ages.”
The UCC chairman, believed to be a one Hon. Mbote (to be confused with former president, Milton Obote, an alleged dictator and purported ghost), did not elaborate on how he planned to be in different locations at the same time “personally”, but he is said to have “friends” in high places.
Hon. Mbote reminded this writer of former president Idi Amin, an alleged blood-thirsty dictator, who is said to have vowed to land Ugandans on the sun, to better Americans who landed “merely” on the moon (there is no credible record of Amin saying such an absurd thing).
The UCC chairman objected to comparing the regime he serves to those of former presidents Idi Amin and Milton Obote. “For us we are analytical, methodical, practical, intellectual, ethnical and unbwogable. We are very clean. You can’t find even a trace of blood on our fingers, although some weird people have mysteriously disappeared here and there.”
Hon. Mbote argued that the “politically bankrupt” and “obscurantist” Amin and Obote wouldn’t have thought of shutting down Internet services even though such services did not exist at the time.
“Even Santa Claus, who climbs down chimneys hauling yellow sacks of goodies, couldn’t make up this stuff,” he said. He repeated his glorious boss’ mantra that Ugandans go on the Internet to spread rumours.
“This measure [shutting down entire Internet services] is necessary to mitigate the rapid spread of online misinformation, disinformation, electoral fraud and related risks…” said the chairman of the UCC.
Hon. Mbote admitted to bringing a sledge hammer to a fight with a fly.
“But then again, what is the fly doing in a kraal? It should stay in the swamp. Leave matters of the generals to the generals”.
The shameless UCC chairman was miffed that while shutting down the Internet had stopped the “disgusting” Ugandans from spreading rumours on the Internet, they had become “idle and disorderly.”
Moreover, some Ugandans use satellite connections or foreign providers for Internet services to avoid precisely that kind of scenario. The solution, said the regime machete man, was to render Ugandans completely powerless, literally.
“With that [cutting off power], we shall cement this country’s place among luminaries of free speech such as Iran, North Korea, Belarus, Saudi Arabia and Rwanda as we transition to middle income status,” he said, with the irony definitely lost on him.
Meanwhile, President Yoweri Museveni, who has been in power for 40 years, nearly half a century (let that sink in), is alleged to have won the entirely peaceful, credible, free and fair elections organised by his undoubtedly democratic government.
The Observer could not confirm if the allegation is true because it had no Internet but described the situation, with a yawn, as akin to saying that “man drinks water”. The writer is a purveyor of fake news with a long miscarriage in journalism.
DISCLAIMER: The above article is an unsuccessful attempt to find a funny side to an otherwise tragic trend. You take it literally at your own risk. That assumes, of course, you have the Internet to read it online amidst all your rumour- mongering activities or the energy (pun intended) to go out and buy a hard copy.
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