I have often felt guilty and judgmental for assuming that the way one does life is very representative of the way one does sex.
Then I opened a book, and a team of professionals in human sexuality vindicated me.
“Your sexual relationships reflect the same habitual patterns and survival strategies, learned as a child, that you exhibit in other areas of your life – except, these patterns are often even more pronounced in the sexual arena,” Suzie Heumann and Dr Susan Campbell write in their Everything Great Sex book.
If you have trouble speaking up about what you want at your workplace, at home or elsewhere, you are unlikely to make your feelings known during lovemaking. If you are a carefree, open, comfortable-in-your-skin and honest person in life, that translates into the way you make love, and the opposite is possibly true.
Good luck trying to convince me that a person that cannot control/handle their liquor, can handle the avalanche of feelings and reactions that come with sex. I have found it difficult to not equate table manners to one’s most likely approach to sex… A (wo)man who eats with food dribbling down their chin and talking with a full mouth, is unlikely to have any etiquette when it comes to making love, either.
And I don’t stop there; I judge bad drivers harshly too. Sorry. Those guys who hoot unreasonably, change lanes constantly even when they are going nowhere, or always seem to be in an abnormal race with themselves to get somewhere?
I just imagine they are also always in a hurry when they make love, and leave behind disgruntled spouses just like they do road users. Sorry; I could be wrong, but can you convince me that this boss of yours who clearly has anger management issues is not violent at home and/or in bed?
The book authors believe that one can learn and unlearn these things, and again, that such change will reflect in one’s most intimate life.
“When you learn a basic life skill such as self-expression, this learning will easily transfer to the other areas of your life. A life of consistently great sex is possible and it can be fun to ‘train’ yourself to get there,” they write.
“If you want to change one or more of the habitual ways you react to things, sex is a good place to start.” Are you innately selfish?
Then there is no way you can be giving, thoughtful and patient with your spouse during sex. Because these are longstanding habits, many do not even realise that they are terrible lovers – unless they take a hint from their spouses always coming up with fresh excuses to not have sex.
No one repeatedly turns down a delicious, craved dish. Even when they are hungry? Shaaa… I guess that is why they say a well-loved man/woman at home is usually a superb performer at the office; see, as you teach yourself to be a better lover, a thoughtful giver during sex, your spouse will be looking forward to some downtime with you and the more regular, great sex you get (thanks to the intentional improvements to yourself), the better person you will be even away from your spouse.
One wife once told me she discovered the beauty in praising her husband for every good thing he does, like shopping, changing a light bulb, paying school fees, etc, and she noticed whenever she does that, he seems to go out of his way to do more to catch her attention/ praise.
So, she brought that same energy to their lovemaking, and it did wonders. Training herself in a basic life skill ended up translating beautifully into a love skill.
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