Meet ‘Homo relaxus’ in the wild

I recently spent a weekend at a holiday resort, floating in a hot-water swimming pool like a lazy crouton in a human soup, and made a few discoveries about the species known as Homo relaxus.

It turns out, when you boil people gently in 24ºC water, their true nature bubbles to the surface.

Humans lose all sense of personal space when submerged.

There I was, minding my own business in a tranquil corner, when a stranger decided to drift over and start a conversation about his cholesterol.

Every time I tried to paddle away, he floated closer – like a friendly but determined manatee.

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Within five minutes, I knew his medical history, his ex-wife’s opinions on jacuzzi etiquette and the fact that he once met a cousin of someone who’d seen Johnny Clegg in real life.

There’s always a “bubble button enthusiast.”

Every pool has one: the person who treats the pool’s bubble button like a DJ deck. Just as you start to relax, whooooosh! – the entire pool erupts like a geyser. Then silence. Then another whooooosh… on repeat every 30 seconds.

They grin proudly, as if they’re contributing to global joy, while the rest of us cling to the edge like storm survivors.

Children have infinite energy – even in 24ºC water. I watched, astonished, as three small humans transformed the peaceful lazing zone into a scene from Baywatch: The Prequel.

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They cannonballed into the shallow end where adults lazed, splashed anyone within 10m, then announced they were “bored”.

One even performed a synchronised underwater scream – a sound I’m convinced could be used in psychological warfare.

People bring snacks into the pool – and eat them.

Somewhere, at this very moment, a man is dissolving a packet of cheese curls into a resort swimming pool.

I saw it with my own eyes. He was dipping, munching, and chatting – orange fingerprints glistening like evidence. I can’t be sure, but I suspect half of us were swimming in rehydrated maize dust.

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Humans will discuss their life’s deepest fears with total strangers – if there is warm water involved. By the end of day two, I’d heard confessions, relationship dramas and an argument about whether water makes you “fatter or thinner”.

I have realised that a hot pool is not just a leisure feature. It’s a microcosm of humanity: a steamy, bubbly, slightly unsanitary reminder that we’re all ridiculous – and gloriously so.