Hispanic Emotional couple comforting each other at night during a sad moment in their married relationship
She runs the family social calendar. Also on the list, she remembers anniversaries. She listens to his problems and gets the back end of his moods. She mankeeps.
Many women in heterosexual relationships put some truth into the adage that behind every successful man is a woman. But in many more ways than anyone might think.
Women are often one-man support bands in a complex novella of a man’s life.
They hold the moving parts together, said relationship expert Lisa Welsh of Savethatspark.com.
“From steadying his nerves to decoding his moods and standing in for the close friendships he does not have, it is unpaid, unrecognised, and too often unreturned,” she said.
“Mankeeping is the modern name for an old challenge,” said Welsh.
“Women are socialised from an early age to nurture and provide comfort, while men are taught to bottle up their feelings until they find a girlfriend or wife. That girlfriend then becomes counsellor, cheerleader, mother figure, and best friend rolled into one.”
Counsellor, cheerleader, mother figure, and best friend rolled into one
Mankeeping comes from what researchers have called the male loneliness epidemic. Men are reporting fewer close friendships than ever before. Instead of sharing openly with friends, they unload their emotional baggage onto their romantic partners.
“It is not that men do not feel,” Welsh said. “It is that many men believe they cannot express those feelings safely with other males. So women step in as their only outlet.”
Studies at Stanford University confirmed the imbalance. Straight men often regard emotional unburdening as a natural part of a relationship, while women describe it as hard work. And that emotional and intellectual workout, Welsh said, is exhausting.
“Imagine going to your job every day, then coming home to another full-time job where you are the therapist, the motivator, and the stress sponge. That is the reality of mankeeping.”
It’s embedded in Western culture, said Welsh.
From boyhood, men are taught to be deadpan with outward emotional expression, while women are praised for empathy.
Girls are encouraged to talk, cry, and share secrets. Boys are told to toughen up. The result is that women develop emotional literacy early, while men enter adulthood reliant on partners for support and must claw back emotional intelligence. It’s been described as emotional gold-digging in some articles.
Mankeeping is draining women, not great for men
“Mankeeping is not only draining for women,” Welsh said. “It is also harmful for men because it stunts their own emotional growth. When all your intimacy is channelled through and reliant on one person, you miss out on the depth of friendship that can sustain you outside of romance.”
Men’s friendship circles tend to shrink dramatically after entering relationships, said Welsh. And when those relationships end, the fallout can be devastating. Research showed women’s social friendships outside of relationships are for more enduring.
“This is why divorced or widowed men often experience massive isolation. Their partner was their only confidant.
“Meanwhile, women still have friends, siblings and networks that they can lean on.”
Men compartmentalise, and women don’t. Breakups shatter male sensibilities.
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“Mankeeping should not be the price of love,” Welsh said.
“Healthy relationships require reciprocity. Men must learn to build their own support networks and share emotional labour in the home. That means talking to male friends, showing up for each other and unlearning the idea that vulnerability is weakness.”
A recent piece in Psychology Today warned that men often rely almost exclusively on romantic partners for emotional support, identifying them as their primary or sole confidants. “That dependence may feel normal, but it places disproportionate strain on women.”
“Women are saying they are tired,” said Welsh. “And it is not because they do not love their partners. It is because they cannot keep being the one and only safe place. It is time for men to start doing the work too.”
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