Street artist performing isolated on white background
Charm is the winning hand that could win over any social situation in your favour. It’s also a poison chalice that might erode any measure of authenticity if you get it wrong.
There’s a balance, a tightrope to walk that demands more than a flashing smile, said psychologist and medical doctor Dr Jonathan Redelinghuys.
Charm is an art, said Dr Redelinghuys, and demands a measure of finesse, a bit of calculation and a lot of practice.
Emotional intelligence is the biggest tool in anyone’s arsenal, he said.
“If you want to ramp up your charm offensive, start by understanding what makes people tick and then, like a skilled puppeteer, pull the right strings. But not in a manipulative manner. Charm is about winning hearts, not breaking them, and then conquering minds,” he noted.
There are a few simple, effective golden rules to follow.
Feeling appreciated
“People want to feel wanted and appreciated,” said Dr Redelinghuys.
“It is a natural desire within anyone and helps along a sense of social and personal validation. The first step to any charm offensive, as the adage goes, is to come to grips with what makes people tick.”
Spending time getting to know their story, their perspective on work, home life or relationships, and what another person values most is essential.
“Once that foundation is laid, persuading or asking for something becomes a natural next step,” he said.
Dale Carnegie’s handbook on winning people over has been a textbook study of charm, ultimately, for decades. Understanding someone’s bottom line, though, is only the first step.
Next, pay attention.
“When you genuinely show interest in someone’s story or opinion, you engage their emotional being,” said Dr Redelinghuys. “This is important to build rapport.”
People want to be seen, heard, and, importantly, when you indulge in this, they’ll be more receptive to what you have to say.
“Understanding someone’s needs and emotions lays the groundwork for strong connections that can last a lifetime, or at the very least provide an office ally,” he added.
Pay attention and build a connection
In turn, it builds trust. Being a good listener, a mirror, is a universal step to truth and a measure of power, said Dr Redelinghuys.
But do not fake it, he cautioned.
“Authentic people are magnetic to others because they offer a sense of safety.”
It’s not enough to regurgitate thought-out lines or try to influence people without showing substance.
“People are quick to pick up on disingenuous behaviour, and when they sense that you’re not being real, so to speak, there’s no solid foundation to build trust. You’re stepping on shaky ground.
ALSO READ: One small joy a month: a gentler way to approach 2026
Authenticity means being human, admitting when you have made a mistake or sharing that there is something you simply do not know, which indicates that you are keen to gain knowledge from a colleague, friend or partner.
“A flashy smile does not serve you as much as showing people that you have embraced your true self, flaws and all. It helps them feel safe in your company and that your acceptance of them is based on the same kind of life principle,” he said.
But charm demands more than just a connection that’s bricks-and-mortar real. Words are weapons and can be sharper than knives. Choose them carefully, said Dr Redelinghuys.
“The language or word choice you choose can either uplift someone or distance them from you. It’s all about balancing honesty with kindness.”
In conversations, it’s achievable by selecting words that empower and support.
“Stay away from negativity, and this includes gossip, because it’s processed similarly.”
Select words that empower and support
Empathy can be a powerful ally in any charm offensive. Sympathy, which turns someone into a victim, not so much.
Compromise and not always chasing a win, whether in an argument, a boardroom or a bedroom debate, further entrenches long-term trust cues and shows a measure of attractive flexibility.
“Applying a one-size-fits-all approach to any situation will never charm the pants off anyone,” shared Dr Redelinghuys. “Instead, it could make them tighten their belts.”
He suggested that adjusting your behaviour to suit the person you’re engaging with is very important when trying to win people over.
It goes back to emotional intelligence and situational awareness: understanding mood and personality, then adjusting your communication style to match.
“It’s far more effective, like assuming a formal tone with the boss, while chilling it down with peers. Tailor your behaviour to serve the needs of others. It can be highly influential.”
Charm is not rocket science, yet it is. Dr Redelinghuys said that the bottom line is emotion, throughout.
“People crave connections, and this counts across the board, personal or professionally. Make others feel important, and half the battle is won.
“Then, apply the simple golden rules of charm authentically, and your influence is done and dusted.”
NOW READ: Gen Z vs ’50s and ’60s wives: no thanks, darling
About the Author
