How to budget when you’re the only one sticking to the shopping list

If there is one thing that many couples fight about, it is money. Sticking to a budget often solves the problem, but what do you do if you are the only one sticking to the shopping list and your partner adds all the expensive things you cannot afford?

Lee Hancox, head of channel and segment marketing at Sanlam, says couples often have very different shopping personalities. One partner arrives with a precise list and sticks to it, while the other leaves with the latest cereal flavour, chocolate slab or magazine and forgets the milk.

Family budgeting often works the same way: one partner wants to track every cent, while the other believes balance will come naturally. However, Hancox says, neither approach is right or wrong. “The key is learning how to combine your money personalities so your budgeting runs smoothly, it feels fair and you are working together toward shared goals. At the end of the day, it is about building a partnership.”

ALSO READ: Why you should be having difficult money conversations with your loved ones

Are you too cautious or a spontaneous buyer?

Hancox points out that we all have blind spots. “I am family-focused, responsible and security-minded, but I know that sometimes I can miss out on the upside because I am too cautious.

“On the other hand, a spontaneous buyer may bring joy and balance by nudging the family to spend on things that create memories. It is about how you work together, not about who is right.”

Why do couples see money differently? Hancox says money is never just about numbers.

“It carries history, emotion, heritage and even power dynamics. A partner who grew up in a household where money was scarce may always stockpile ‘two of everything’ to feel safe.

“Another who grew up with abundance may spend freely, believing more will always come. These patterns are deeply ingrained and shape not only how couples manage bills, but also what lessons they want to pass on to their children.”

Hancox says it is not just about what you earn or what the bills are, but about culture, childhood experiences, even what you want your children to learn about money. Two people living side by side can approach it completely differently. That is why aligning on values and goals is key.”

ALSO READ: Why your partner’s financial habits matter

And if you are the one hiding the receipts?

Hancox says many couples fall into the habit of hiding small purchases, whether it is treats, clothes or gadgets, because they do not want to trigger a fight. But secrecy around spending chips away at trust, she warns.

“That kind of behaviour does not help in the long run. The way to turn it around is by being open and telling your partner that you have been hiding these little spends and really want you to get better at talking about money.

“It is not about asking your partner to fix it but about owning the behaviour, being accountable and building it into the conversation.”

She says one way to avoid falling into secrecy is to agree on the non-negotiables as a couple – things like servicing debt, covering household expenses and putting money aside for the future and then giving each partner freedom with what is left.

“Budgeting should include space for joy. There is nothing wrong with shopping or spoiling yourself if you plan for it.”

ALSO READ: Relationships and money: living together and your finances

How couples can budget and stick to it – together

Hancox has these practical tips for couples:

Take your money personalities quiz

Understanding your own style makes it easier to understand your partner’s. Sharing your money personality report can be a fun, neutral way to start the conversation.

Align your values and goals

Keep coming back to what you both want, whether it is paying off debt, retiring early, or travelling more. Shared values are your anchor. Keep reviewing these annually and during life shifts.

Lead with curiosity

Ask how your partner grew up with money or what financial values your partner wants to pass on. Once you know the why behind someone’s habits, it is much easier to find middle ground.

Move away from negative self-talk

Instead of always saying you are bad with money, you can move to saying you are learning new skills, sorting out your debt, you are on a better path. That is much more empowering. Your partner can help to reinforce that by saying, ‘You did a really good job this month,’ or noticing when you have been more conscious with spending.

Find a balance that feels fair

There’s no one-size-fits-all. Some couples keep separate accounts, others share everything, but what matters is honesty, openness and dividing responsibilities according to each partner’s strengths.

Have hard conversations in neutral spaces

Do not raise it while juggling kids and dinner. Go for a walk or have a coffee when you are relaxed. The setting makes all the difference.

Explain the deeper why

If you ask for compromise, such as stricter tracking or looser spending, explain the reason behind it. It helps your partner understand instead of feeling policed.