It’s like Groundhog Day when it comes to online romance and sextortion scams. People, especially men, continue to fall for it, no matter the number of warnings.
Behind the fake profiles, fabricated emergencies and stolen photographs lies a manipulation strategy that has changed very little over time.
Building trust before exploitation
Scammers are not necessarily looking for gullible people. They are looking for people who are lonely, grieving, isolated or simply hoping somebody out there cares.
Psychologist Elize Thesner said perpetrators spend considerable time identifying vulnerabilities before attempting to exploit them.
People often imagine scammers as aggressive criminals immediately demanding money, but the reality is more patient.
“They gradually build rapport, trust and emotional connection, often showing interest in the challenges and struggles their target faces,” she said.
What follows those initial overtures is usually a carefully constructed relationship in which the victim begins investing emotionally in a future that does not exist.
The scammer becomes a confidant, a source of comfort and eventually somebody whose approval starts carrying emotional value.
“People frequently invest in the future they imagine rather than the reality that exists. They may cling to the possibility that this relationship could finally bring happiness, companionship, love, or fulfilment.”
The search for intimacy and connection
Psychologist and medical doctor Jonathan Redelinghuys said many victims are not primarily just looking for the possibility of sex, either. More often, they are looking for intimacy in its broadest sense, he said.
“It’s generally people who are lacking intimacy in their life and who are looking for somebody that they can trust fully and that they can share their heart with,” he said.
Sexual content like explicit pictures or text messages enter the picture later.
By that stage, of emotional game-playing it may feel less like a reckless act and more like a natural progression within what seems to be a genuine relationship.
Emotional attachment can cloud judgment in ways that outsiders often struggle to understand.
“People will sometimes lose the ability to discern rationally whether or not the situation could be used to exploit them when they’re looking for connection,” Redelinghuys said.
Thesner said sexual attraction compounds the problem because it activates the brain’s reward systems.
Pleasure, anticipation and validation begin reinforcing the relationship, making it increasingly difficult for victims to recognise warning signs or walk away when inconsistencies appear.
“The victim may become increasingly motivated to preserve the relationship and avoid losing what they perceive as a meaningful emotional connection.”
When sympathy becomes a weapon
Many scammers understand that affection alone is not enough to secure control.
Stories of hardship, illness, financial distress and personal tragedy are often introduced later to create another powerful dynamic in the mix.
Victims stop seeing themselves merely as romantic partners and begin viewing themselves as helpers, protectors or even rescuers.
“The interaction may shift from casual communication to a caregiving dynamic, where the victim feels emotionally invested in supporting or rescuing the other person,” Thesner said.
The moment the deception is exposed, reality bites. And even though it’s obvious to expect the the victim to simply walk away, it never really happens and possible destruction follows quickly.
Shame keeps victims trapped
Shame becomes part of the trap, Thesner said, and people who would never willingly hand money to a criminal may continue paying once explicit photographs or private conversations are being used as leverage.
After the sexy and the gifting, the blackmail sets in.
Redelinghuys said the fear of public humiliation can become stronger than the financial losses incurred.
“Once their reality of a situation hits and the person starts to feel ashamed for allowing themselves to be put in that situation, I think they fend off that shame, so that other people don’t know what they’ve fallen for.”
Thesner said that what makes these scams so effective is not that they exploit ignorance or gullibility.
Instead, they exploit universal needs like hope, affection, validation and belonging.
“These are not weaknesses. They are part of being human. Scammers simply weaponise them” Thesner said.
