Sex often becomes a ‘what if’ conversation.
What if an unplanned pregnancy is the consequence? HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases, blurred lines in morality discourse and of course, sex education. Pleasure has not really been at the top of the agenda, and talking about it, well, is still somewhat taboo.
National Sex Day on 10 June may be a fun day of observation, but it’s also got a somewhat serious undertone.
There’s a growing body of international research that suggests sexual wellbeing is closely linked to mental health, emotional resilience, self-esteem and overall quality of life, placing it alongside exercise, therapy, and other activities commonly associated with self-care.
The World Health Organisation put its finger on it in its online summary. It defined sexual health as a state of physical, emotional, mental and social wellbeing in relation to sexuality.
Its guidance notes that sexual health is not simply the absence of disease or dysfunction but requires a positive and respectful approach to sexuality and relationships, including the possibility of pleasurable and safe sexual experiences.
Pleasure and safety
Findings by academics may, in part, help explain why many South Africans appear to be searching for more meaningful conversations about sex.
A paper published in Frontiers in Public Health, for example, noted that sexuality should be recognised as an important contributor to overall wellbeing rather than being viewed solely from a medical or reproductive perspective. Their work found that intimacy, pleasure and sexual satisfaction were closely linked to quality of life and emotional well-being.
And then, there are the real numbers.
According to the 2023 Durex Global Sex Survey, 64% of sexually active South Africans described themselves as satisfied with their sex lives.
Dig a little deeper, however, and a more complicated picture emerges. Thirty percent admitted to having faked an orgasm, while only 52% said they had discussed their sex life with their partner as a way of improving it.
The survey also found that 81% of sexually active South Africans believed orgasm was important for great sex, yet many appeared reluctant to talk openly about pleasure, expectations, and satisfaction.
And it’s all a bit lopsided, still.
Sexual health advocate and educator Lisa Welsh said that people have built an entire sexual culture around the male orgasm as the finish line.
“Then we act surprised when women don’t get there,” she said. It’s one of the fundamental disconnects in sexual health that has not changed, yet.
All a bit lopsided
Studies microscoping sexual wellbeing and mental health have found that communication, emotional connection and feelings of safety are strongly associated with sexual satisfaction for women in particular.
Anxiety, stress and shame often have the opposite effect, making it harder for people to communicate their needs and enjoy intimate experiences.
Medical researchers have also examined what happens physically during sexual activity. The release of hormones such as dopamine, oxytocin and endorphins has been linked to stress relief, improved mood and feelings of connection.
Many of the outcomes people seek through meditation, exercise, or other forms of self-care are naturally triggered during positive intimate experiences.
Perhaps the most interesting finding is not that people, in particular women, want better sex, said Welsh. It is that many people seem to be looking for something much larger than that.
Conversations about pleasure are becoming conversations about communication. Discussions about intimacy are becoming discussions about mental health, confidence and connection.
Sex is still framed by danger
In Mzansi, sex was frequently framed around danger and disease; the idea that pleasure might also have a place in the health discussion, Welsh said, remains a surprisingly uncomfortable one.
“We expect couples to have conversations they were never taught to have, about things they were taught to be ashamed of. And pleasure was never a part of our sex education. So here we are, adults,] having sex with no real language for what we actually want,” Welsh said.
It could be generational, though. Young South Africans may be particularly aware of the gap between what they want and what they know.
The Durex survey found that 46% of respondents aged between 18 and 24 wanted to learn more about communication during sex, while 40% wanted more information about pleasurable sex.
Kuvashni Bhagwandas, Category Marketing Manager in Consumer Health at Reckitt Sub-Saharan Africa, home of Durex, said that this highlights the importance of creating safe, informed and judgement-free spaces where important conversations about pleasure can happen.
